Browser Wars
by Hawki
Summary: Oneshot: The Console Wars, the Browser Wars, the Red vs. Blue Wars...throughout its history, humanity had always found new and silly ways to fight each other. Not that everyone had a problem with that.


**Browser Wars**

"Ah, ya kids today! N'one ya know wut it's liker ter sarve!"

Ctrl didn't know what it was "liker ter sarve," but he did know that Tab was drunk. And pissed. In more than one sense of the word. So leaning over to his friend, he tried to resolve the situation.

"Getter af me! I dun ned yur 'elp!"

"Yes, you do actually."

"Codswallop."

It figured, Ctrl thought. One word Tab got right, and it made no sense in the English language anyway.

Then again, nothing made sense right now, even by human standards of not making sense anyway. Humanity had emerged from a war against a species whose vocabulary consisted only of blargs and honks, yet had threatened them with extinction. Nowadays, the war they were fighting was what some called the Red vs. Blue War, though some insisted it wasn't a war at all, while others pointed to misinformation or, more bizarrely, retconning. And in the midst of both was the Insurrection. Or something.

"None yer get me! None yur lik me!"

Ctrl sighed as Tab slumped down over his table and began to sob. He didn't know why tonight he was so upset. They were both veterans of a war no-one cared about, but the same could be said for every Red and Blue that was out there doing…well, he wasn't sure what they were doing anyway, but-

"Ah only drink the blood of my enemies!"

"We don't serve blood here sir."

"Then a sarsaparilla! And don't call me sir, dirt maggot! I work for a living!"

But seeing the Red up at the bar, Ctrl got an idea.

The man (if he could be called a man, he looked more like a troglodyte) had a buzzcut of grey hair, a scar down one side of his forehead, and a grimace that looked like a scar in itself. He was wearing red armour and had the chevrons of a sergeant. And his accent was like something from a far alien world that stirred images of necks that were quite red for some reason. Ctrl supposed it was the armour.

"What you looking at dirtbag?"

Or maybe it was Ctrl's own neck. The feeling of rage from being insulted for no reason. Seeing this simulation trooper walk up to him as if he were his equal.

"I don't have any dirt on my neck," Ctrl said softly. "And I don't need to take that crap from the likes of you."

"Ah, corny dogs! If you're Red, you're not in uniform. And if you're Blue…" The sergeant leant forward over the table. "You aren't Blue are you?"

"No, I'm not in your fake armies. I'm a veteran of the Browser Wars."

The sergeant's eyes lit up. "Browser Wars? Well tan my hide and call me a monkey, I'm a vet too!"

"Huh?"

"Lieutenant Sarge of Windows Eighth Battalion!" he exclaimed, shaking Ctrl's hand. "Always good to meet a comrade!"

"Um…" Ctrl wasn't sure how to respond. True, he'd fought for Microsoft as well. But he'd been with XP Battalion. Old school, but it still worked. What the Eigth or even the Vista units had done, he'd had no idea. And he would have still been wondering what he could say to bridge the unit divide until Tab let out another wail.

"What's his problem?" the sergeant asked.

"Oh, don't worry," Ctrl said. "He fought for Linux."

"Linux? Why that no good-"

"Hey, easy buddy," Ctrl said, grabbing the sergeant's hand before Tab could feel it. "Old war, remember? We're all friends now."

Given the look in the sergeant's eyes, he clearly disagreed. But the look was transferred from Tab to the bartender, who had his sarsaparilla in one hand. And a gun in the other.

"Get out," the bartender whispered. "All of you."

"Hey, you can't-"

"I can, I am!" he yelled, smashing the drink down on the floor, and causing everyone else in the bar to look at him. "I'm not having you Microsoft scum in here!"

"Y'served? You?" the sergeant asked. "What rank and unit?"

"The Apple forces, Pear Battalion!" he yelled. He leant in closer. "I should have killed you back then, you damn dirty square!"

The sergeant drew out a shotgun from…Ctrl had no idea, it was as if it just appeared like it might have if this was a videogame. "Then why don't you kill me right now? Or is your blood _blue_?"

"You think you're big?" the bartender hissed. "Your Red vs. Blue War? Trying to relive the glory days? Why aren't you a lieutenant now, bigshot?"

Everyone was on edge. The staff. The patrons. Even the newscaster had fallen silent, though that might have been because of the report she was doing (something about Blues being killed on Sidewinder). It was only broken by more sobbing from Tab – something about penguins.

"Go on then, sand nugget…" Sarge growled. "Make your move…"

And then, Ctrl knew what he had to do. Step forward. Make his presence known. Get the fighting to stop. He stretched out his hands, resting them on the veterans' weapons.

"Hands off!"

And got both of them pointed at him.

"Guys, please," he said. "You don't have to do this."

"Oh, I think we do," the bartender whispered. "Square…"

Ctrl gulped. And it might have been his last breath, if not for the tired laughing coming from one of the corners.

"You Browser boys. None of you know what it's like to fight in a real war."

All eyes turned to the man. He stood up – white moustache, white hair, a red cap with blue overalls…Ctrl saw Sarge shudder. Apparently seeing blue and red mixed together was an affront to him.

"Your Browser Wars…" the patron wheezed. "Childsplay. Now the Console Wars…" He sighed. "That was a sight to behold."

Ctrl watched as the man coughed. Lots of little blue things fell out of his mouth. For a moment, he was reminded of hedgehogs.

"You Squares…" he wheezed. "You thought you could make us forget, couldn't you? The Xbone, we called it!"

Ctrl shuddered. He'd left the XP Unit by the time that came out.

"Well, it didn't work! That war was over before it even began! Nothing like the good ol days!"

"Yeah, well, it's our day now grandpa!" the bartender yelled. "And-"

"You're right."

All eyes turned back to Ctrl. Even Tab looked up wearily from his grog.

"It is our day," Ctrl said. "Console wars, browser wars, this Red vs. Blue War…don't you see? We'll always be a bunch of lunatics with too much time on our hands. We'll always wage our wars over the most trivial of things. But at the end of the day, sitting at this bar…we're still able to get along, aren't we? Microsoft or Apple, Sega or Nintendo, heck, even Red or Blue…we're all people at the end aren't we?"

Silence filled the room. Silence broken only by sobbing. And clapping. And the sound of Sarge cocking his shotgun.

"You dirty Blue sympathizer," he growled. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't remove your Blue head from your Blue body."

Ctrl sighed and reached for his drink.

It was going to be a long night.


End file.
